#24

the biting air spews from my mouth like lava

no one look at me i will look at no one

i cast my eyes askew down not meeting another

it would prove to be fatal

the onlooker sees a glimpse of me in the shadows

they depart

they shrink

i walk through

i will not stop

even the hotness inside can’t be bottled up

raging to the surface

and they run for cover

they are afraid

of my words

and when my eyes are set

they will not feel welcome

and i will be in peace

no, alone

though in solitary confinement

at least there’s only the mind’s judgement

 

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#6

i don’t care who gets the ring

who wears it

who has the lamps and the cleaning supplies and

don’t you know there are hearts now everywhere?

like the kind that said hellooooo

and after a long yawn

and that the stuff is no longer here

i don’t care

split it a million ways and could all be moved to the garbage dump

swimming in the Pacific gyre

sea of memories of times when they just sat

or spoke to tell story

and my heart goes up up

up up

rate goes up up

up

increase the value of the living beings i once (still do?) knew

as each inch of carpet is dissected like delicacy

everything has it’s price

but it won’t bring them back

neither will the picture frame

the desk

The vacuum

neither will the claims and tears and arguments of what a human heart is capable of feeling

that she didn’t have a limit on how much she put out

as did he

as did she

as did all of them

and my blood boils when i think of how we devour the unimportance of

what’s left

dilated and honed in pupils my heart beats at rebellious pace

to high pitched scream

in order to be grounded once again

in the midst of this greedy confusion

i hate

talking

about

this stuff

#5

more confused than angry

more stuffed away than needing to speak

more afraid of meaning than feeling

more resentful than righteous

more betrayed than mistrustful

more disgusted than indulgent

more agitated

more disappointed

more hurt

more angry about the understanding than the experiencing

such a fleeting moment

it lingers longer than is comfortable

then is washed away by song

and sun

and tomorrow

directed

when the waves were crashing endlessly 

when thunderous 

the animal inside staring back from between grasses

when the voice amplified too loud to ignore

they chuckled nervously 

shifting eye contact

between them 

looking for places to point their fingers

they were confronted with a mirror

so clear 

so visible

the violations

and yet one scoffed and told us to relax

told us that our reactions were too much

too undone

they tried to rewrite the moment so they were in control

we could have laughed if we wanted

but we stood still

kept to it

kept ourselves

and while the blood boiled

while the eyes narrowed 

we were thankful for enriching ourselves 

with food for thought

instead of poisons 

because in that moment of confrontation 

we heard their stomach sink and flip

while we waited patiently for them to fall on their own

below

i’m hoping that underneath the surface 

filled with storms and sharp currents

fierce winds that whip cheeks

heavy waves that seem to never end

that there is a space of calm and depth

its sophistication so intense

that those who witness it would be in awe

make someone look twice

then dive under 

deep with clarity, purpose, direction 

until the confusion at the top 

is a blip on the radar screen

destruction

there are some days 

where a deep anger bubbles to the surface

and i were a volcano 

all you’d see is lava 

flowing down

destroying everything in its path

there are some days 

when there is no voice of reason

there is only fear

directing everything

squeezing everything 

so that i wish something would pop

would explode

so at least the pressure build up wouldn’t be any longer

volcano of fire raining down ashes

red lava that flows

red lava that destroys

that burns

that doesn’t want to remember

that wants to rewrite

that wants to create a new world

where flowers rise from piles of ashes

where rains bring new life

and destruction has a purpose

the sister of destruction

i am the sister of destruction

coming your way 

with no stops

charging through and unceasing

i follow after 

and make life from the path of death she leaves as my welcome mat

i am not angry

i am kind

i move slowly

i put things where they might be noticed

i make things beautiful

and while my sister comes running full speed 

stopping for no one

i move lightly 

smoothly

over the wet ground 

my footsteps spring 

and i make a game out of it

i dance

i giggle softly

i hide behind flowers

i blush when i’m noticed

sister is bold and competitive

i am soft but still i am strong

because who could make something from nothing?

who could match the dawn with mystery?

i am what follows

when quiet is restored

and life is given

a chance 

to grow 

fire

Early in the morning and the thing she wanted to do was hit a tree until her fist would bleed. The knuckles, streaming the red viscous fluid. But eyes fixated on this spot on the tree. On the place she was supposed to hit repeatedly. Didn’t care if there was pain or permanent damage. No, all that mattered was the inheritance of this skill immediately. Til the tree would bend. Til her bones would break and then…

Some would call her reckless. Abandon the body and leave nothing behind. Because only in nothing can they have anything. They would have nothing left and she would either be strong or no more. There was no in between.

Anger turned to focus. Deliberate and incessant. Passion would burn her alive and she would jump into the flames willingly rather than fight or shout or say anything that contradicted what they told her. No, the contradiction came in the violation of physical limits. There was nothing but incessant pounding and her arm and her fist and this tree, her partner against fear, hatred, and submission.

Still, if she could only cut out the emotional impulse to burst. If she could beat it out of herself, she’d figure out a way to extracate the tendency to cry out. She would take it and be done with it because there was no use for things like that here. There was no use for joy or anything remotely comfortable. So why not remove it? Why not have no worries, cares, distractions that would hold her back from her only purpose. Be better. Be stronger. And then, never again. Never again would anything ever happen.